Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
