how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
