Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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