i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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