chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
