This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
