My liver just broke up with me...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
