I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
