Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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