i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
