im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
