If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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