I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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