My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
