The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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