The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
