it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
