Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
