I just cut my nipple shaving
he thought i was a dude.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
