it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize