Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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