alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
