seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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