Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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