do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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