he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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