Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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