Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
