how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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