My first STD was from a foam party
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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