oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
