Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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