I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize