my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
