Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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