What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
