I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
