Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize