Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
