Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
