Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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