thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize