You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
