May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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