I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he thought i was a dude.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
