I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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