She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize