He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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