Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
