FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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