mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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