My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
