i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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