meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
