I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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