My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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