Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
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