I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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