My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
