I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
