He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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