oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
cat food counts as protein by the way
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
