We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
