Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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