if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
soo... how was my night?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
