my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
No...this little piggys going to the bar
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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