I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize