This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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