I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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