I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize