I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hope mine doesn't look like that
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
