i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
