shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize